Uncle Qrow Wins At Life
by Raziel12
Summary: There is a reason Qrow is the coolest uncle in the world.
1. Chapter 1

**Uncle Qrow Wins At Life**

Ruby frowned. She loved her Uncle Qrow, but she was old enough now to realise that his drinking was maybe not the best thing in the world for him. The last thing she wanted was for him to get really drunk while on a mission or something and get hurt. Still, it had been pretty awesome watching him fight Weiss's sister. Heh. Weiss might think her sister was cool, but Ruby knew her uncle was the coolest.

"Hey, kiddo." Qrow waved a bag of cookies in the air and sat next to her on the park bench. "How are you liking it here? I hope Ozpin is treating you right. Has Glynda given you one of those lectures of hers yet?"

Ruby smiled. "It's been good. I've made lots of friends, but we keep getting into trouble somehow. It's kind of weird."

"Ah, relax." Qrow handed her the cookies. "Your mom and dad were just like that at your age. Heck, the whole team was like that." He patted her on the back. "Is that sister of Winter's as stuck up as she is?"

"Uh…" Ruby took a bite out of a cookie. "Um… Weiss is… well… Weiss. Yeah."

"That so?" Qrow smirked. "I'd like to talk to her some time, maybe when her sister isn't trying to murder me. She can't be that bad if you two get along. Then again, Ozpin and Jimmy are friends. I swear it's like Jimmy has got one of his ships of his stuck up his ass sometimes."

"Jimmy?"

"General Ironwood." Qrow laughed as Ruby almost choked on her cookie. "Easy there. You're forgetting that we all go way back. I knew him before he became a general. He was just some punk kid once upon a time. He still is, I guess, except now he's got a whole damn army."

"Wow." Ruby had a hard time imagining the general as 'some punk kid'. "Uh… you know… about your drinking…?"

"Oh, that?" Qrow leaned over and whispered, "Do you want to know a secret?"

"Uh, sure."

"I'm faking it." Her uncle leaned back, and suddenly, all traces of his drunkenness were gone. Instead, he was calm, poised, and alert. "Everyone thinks I keep liquor in that flask of mine, but I don't. It's water."

"Wait – what?" Ruby gaped.

"You know me, Ruby. I like messing with people, and it's useful. The more people think I'm drunk, the more they're willing to underestimate me. And you'd be surprised by how much people are willing to say when they think you're too drunk to remember any of it." He lifted one finger to his lips. "But it's a secret, so don't tell anyone." He winked. "Besides, do you have any idea how fun it is to piss Glynda off? The only one who's anywhere near as much fun to tease is Winter. Heh. I'm two for two today, actually."

"Uncle Qrow…" Ruby giggled. "That is so evil."

"Yeah, but it's fun too." Qrow took out his flask and offered it to Ruby. "Here, have some. It really is just water."

Ruby was about to take a sip when an enraged shriek came from nearby.

"What do you think you're doing?" Glynda wailed as she stomped toward them. "Miss Rose, put that flask down now! And you!" She snarled at Qrow. "Get over here!"

"Ah, that's my cue to leave." Qrow grabbed his flask and ruffled Ruby's hair before leaping over the bench and running for it. "See you tomorrow, Ruby!"

X X X

 **Author's Notes**

As always, I do not own RWBY, and I am not making any money off of this.

I just had to write this. Never doubt Uncle Qrow.

As always, I appreciate feedback. Reviews and comments are welcome.


	2. Chapter 2

**Uncle Qrow, Kung Fu Master**

Qrow struck a suitably impressive pose. "Yang, it is finally time for you to learn our family's unique style of fighting."

To say that Yang was hyped was an understatement. Sure, her dad was a badass, but her Uncle Qrow was like… super badass. Heck, he could pummel people while drunk out of his mind. Honestly, if that wasn't awesomeness, she wasn't sure what was. "Right."

Qrow grinned and then tossed his flask at her. "Drink that."

Yang made a face. "Seriously?"

Qrow nodded. "It is necessary for your training."

Yang opened the flask and drank. "Wait… is this just water?"

"Yep." Qrow smirked.

"But…"

"Yang, our family's secret style of fighting is Fake Drunken Fist."

Yang's eye twitched. "What?"

"Basically, you fake being drunk, act like being drunk gives you superpowers, and then you pummel everyone. Drinking from the flask will help put you in the correct frame of mind."

"Are you serious?"

"Completely." Qrow grinned. "Behold."

And, just like that, he began to do an incredibly good impersonation of a drunk person, all while throwing an incredibly acrobatic series of punches and kicks.

"That looks… weird."

"It is." Qrow nodded. "But I guess the only way for you to understand is to experience it for yourself." He lifted one hand and beckoned her forward. "Hit me, if you can."

Ten minutes later…

Yang pulled herself out of a crater in the ground. Her uncle had beaten her. No, scratch that, he'd kicked her ass. That Fake Drunken Fist style of his was ridiculous. Not only was it almost impossible for her to predict but it also used the bizarre acrobatic and movements to put an incredible amount of force behind each blow.

"Maybe now you'll believe me when I say it's awesome."

"Yeah, I do." Yang got up. "So… how do you do it?"

Qrow took up a stance. "Try to copy what I'm doing."

X X X

Neo staggered back as Yang's gauntlet thudded into her chest. What the hell kind of fighting style was this? In front of her, the blonde smirked lazily and staggered around, seemingly off balance. Neo lunged in again, only to find Yang flopping around in a way that made no sense. Her blow went wide, and Yang hit her with one flailing arm followed by a kick that looked more like a result of her tripping over than anything she'd planned.

But damn, those hits had hurt. Neo could barely feel her arm where Yang had hit it, and that kick had numbed one of her legs. Was she… was she really going to lose to a drunk person? No. There was no way that could happen. She unsheathed the blade hidden in her umbrella and poured on the speed, closing the gap between them in the blink of an eye –

And Yang slipped onto her back. Neo's strike went over her, and Yang's flailing legs caught her in the stomach. Neo rocketed up into the ceiling and hit it with enough force to leave a spider web of cracks. She gasped and tumbled down – right into another punch that looked more like a clumsy attempt at a hug than a punch.

Neo was unconscious before she hit the far wall of the room.

Yang stared at her opponent. Wow. Now, this… this was why Uncle Qrow was the best uncle ever. Some uncles would have offered her comfort and sage advice. Uncle Qrow had shown her how to beat the crap out of her enemies. Oh yeah.

X X X

 **Author's Notes**

As always, I do not own RWBY, and I am not making any money off of this.

Because you asked for more, and because Uncle Qrow is the best uncle ever.

As always, I appreciate feedback. Reviews and comments are welcome.


End file.
